i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
why is pumping your own stomach in your searches on youtube?
his mom found me in the closet hiding and the only thing i could think of was to sit there and wave.
If I won't even leave the house for sex tonight. I definetly not going out for anything else.
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
you are never too drunk for berry picking
110% paid for our cab with a lap dance
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
i gave up on the vacation being fun the night i ate all the marshamallows out of the lucky charms while everyone else was having sex in the condo
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
How’d it go?
I accidentally joined a cult
So not great...
Randomize
