Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
we were frolicking through a fountain of pizza rolls. it was like the best dream i ever had
You left half a beer on someones car and claimed it was a second day of hanakuh gift
she keeps The Day After Pill in her bra... there is a God.
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
just had wine and brownie batter for dinner. Single life is good
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
Occasionally I curse my inner 15 year old when I'm fulfilling their dreams as a slut, but I roll with it.
I am still sore from last night. I can't wait for you to meet my parents.
Send me one of your boob pics as an example. I mean this in the straightest least lesbian way possible.
Yeah but you let me touch your butt. You're clearly the winner.
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize
