my girlfriends now gay ex-boyfriend kissed me. tell maddie i can't hangout today
I assumed she put out when I heard her friend call her "dickbutt"
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
that's the ideal party shoe. cute, but i can still puke in them.
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
Just so you know I would totally fuck you. Does that count as a feeling?
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
Embrace your curves. Cuz we're too poor for a coke habit.
I'm not even pretending to study anymore. I'm straight up sleeping in the library
Was i rolling around in a parking lot last night
he told me he didn't like my name so he was going to call me Casey instead
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
We're gonna have to check the security cameras after last night
Randomize
