bobby jindal makes me wanna cover my ears. you make me wanna smile.
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
If our dicks could shake hands in congratulations they would
I'd really appreciate it if we could dress up as pilgrims and indians for the thanksgiving eve bar crawl
like a sex slave...but with a better dental insurance plan
There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
No idea how he made them, but vodka water balloons were a horrible idea.
well, the drug dealer I've been fucking the past 5 months gave me a chilis gift card for Christmas, so things are looking up.
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
Randomize
