I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
what was i supposed to do!? wake up and actually ask her name??
Can we hire someone to dj while we have sex?
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
How many drinks/blunt hits do you think I could get if I wore an "it's my birthday" shirt
The worst part was when I went to go spit it out and rinse my mouth, his grandpa was in the bathroom, so I had to fucking wait. It was awful. I finally ran to the kitchen and prayed his parents didn't come out of their room.
he kept insisting he didn't have my number, so i called his phone and my number came up as "yeaaaaaaaaah!"
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
Sorry I can't pick up... thought process is fine but too stoned to form words.
Randomize
