I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
on of the only things i remember was the security guard told me i was too drunk for laser tag.
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
I'm so glad I was blacked out while I was going all exorcist in the bathroom. That's so not a memory I want.
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
It might look like I curled my hair last night but it's just the jiz.
Who knew a blowjob could cause this kind of crazy
He wasn't prepared for it
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
i showed up really high and was trying to not be,so in order to not seem high, i got plastered
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
Im gonna start dry humping the manequins and see if i get fired.
My boobs are too perky to pay that much for a car
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