It's just you. You wear the fuck me fedora and wear baller shorts, hollywood hippie who thinks she is shakira when she's drunk.
My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
I thought that since they were twins... they would be equally as good in bed
After a valiant attempt at golf, I think it's time for Tiger to go back to doing what he does best- having sex w/ blond, white women.
I just sold my mom a dimebag. Should I feel scared or sucessful?
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
Holy shit he's circumcised. His parents must have really loved him.
Yes. I'm realizing that sports games are good reasons to drink. I just cheer when everyone else cheers.
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
Randomize
