I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
He just kept telling me how to do certain things. It was like I was fucking my sex ed teacher
Well it went from being a hug to a straight out tackle through the back door.
since i'm not going, you must continue my tradition of flashing every person there.
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
um so slept at robs. he woke up, looked at me, and said ' oh my psychiatrists are gonna have a field day with this one' I think that's when you know you can't hang out with someone anymore
For future reference "bring our litter sisters on our date day" is not such a good idea
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
First post college job and I got fired within a week. Something tells me that adulthood isn't going to be as much fun as sex and the city led me to believe.
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
It's like a donut of clothes around a pair of heels. Like they were transported to another dimension naked.
Randomize
