I have this horrible feeling I'm going to blackout tonight & only be able to say 'wasabi bobby' over & over again.
well there was some sort of sex marathon going on in my house last night..jess and i vs my parents...and im ashamed to say that we lost and my parents out-sexed us
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
he just fed my chickens on farmville...i guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex<3
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
rolling absolute tits, turn on the red lights for when i get home.
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
I'm treating this like a real date. My boobs aren't even out.
I'm so proud, I have tears
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
We need a hype man... Like a DMX type dude to just up the ante constantly...
the guy working the counter at the liquor store noticed i got my haircut and said it was pretty.....
Randomize
