Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
plan parent hood is for high school, im at the abortion clinic, so college.
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
New hot neighbor boys moving in across from us...So i did the logical thing and bought two 30 packs up the hill and walked right by em. Consider the line hooked and ready to reel.
Because its Monday... And I'm determined to just be drunk for the rest of the semester
the amount of chicks and firearms here is unnerving. this will end awesomely or at the morgue.
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
I didn't think it was possible but he dislocated his thumb during intercourse last night then cried
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
I just feel like if we dated, he'd just be crying the entire relationship
rock bottom is drinking straight vodka from a protein shaker, singing one direction and crying alone in your room. exams.
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
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