Literally just as i started to cum the church bells next ot my house began to ring. either it was the most epic timing ever or god was watching and congratulating me
we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
My ex best friend's ex fuck buddy is visiting. There was no other option but day drinking.
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
Basically I learned last night that if you're too polite people will think it's okay to play with your nipples when really its not even a little okay
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
I bet he'd be real motivational during sex. And he'd probably make you call him superman.
I told her shower beers are even better when you have someone in there with you and she said she's been looking for a new drinking buddy. It's a goooooo
Whatever. I have his dick. Haha how many girls can say they have a dildo replica of a guy they were seeing
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
Randomize
