if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
we dont know what were doing after yet. first up we have 90 beers and a party kit and fun hats.
I'm thinking about that time I was in a trashbag and you spray painted my hair yellow
That's science, my friend. Boner science.
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
Do not deep throat a rocket pop, it WILL go into your lungs, and you may die.
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
Yea he was still drunk. He wore a Toga to his job interview.
For the love of god, if any of you are up, bring me pants.
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
Randomize
