Well my night just got interesting. I just home from the police station. Hope you had a fun night out!
I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
So there is a guy driving a robot around the college of engineering selling energy drinks
just heard a tri-delta girl talking about her drunken escapades last weekend...it's like the exact plotline to a hardcore porno.
Mattress luging...It's a long story.
You're doing that 'overestimating how much I care' thing again.
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
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