swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.
You better wipe the dick of your lips before you come smoke this blunt.
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
We spilled a whole bottle of mouth wash and then proceeded to roll around and make out in it. At least I smell minty fresh.
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
He's hot though. It's not like he JUST got out of prison. That was like months ago
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
so I found out I could dislocate my shoulders on demand while I was trippin on e last night...
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
I was doing good, then they gave me free shots
i had to call the bar to ask if they found my bowling ball. That good of a night
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
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