Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
shut up i haven't hooked up with anyone since 45 minutes ago
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
It's a sign that no dudes december is about to start: I have a yeast infection.
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
My mom found my empty case that I hid in my room and just said "now why don't you be a responsible underaged drinker and throw it in the recycling" and walked away. I'm in shock.
How much of a thot would I be if I put this pic up? On a scale of thot-ish to Queen of Thotlandia
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