Would it be horrible to send my ex's girlfriend an email telling her that I sexed her man up so dirty that he fell asleep inside of me afterwards?
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
she tried giving me head in the pool. it was more entertaining than pleasurable
Dont even bother asking why she was dancing with him on top of a door, let alone how the door ended up being used as a table.
Those foam number one hands, are the BEST socks.
I'm not holding out much hope. She met me in a nighclub when I was arguing with the cigarette machine
I kinda volunteered your dick to help her deal with her virginity issues. Figured you wouldn't mind.
using the campers leftover pizza money at the bar. Definition of great counselors right here.
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
Well am going to a strip club before sun down, I dont think anything good can come from that.
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
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