in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
I blacked out for most of the day but apparently I still met with my prof. I made notes...
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
remind me again why we thought drinking hungarian moonshine was a good idea
My vagina knows your penis is sad about Andrew Luck. You should come over and let her comfort him in his time of need
She's the other freshman on this drunken voyage
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