Her vagina smelled like chicken
why do you say that
chicken smells like everything
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
Because it is about to snow, I sent him for Diet Coke and cigarettes. It's the gay version of milk and bread.
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
Who the fuck superglued glowsticks to my arm.
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
Yes but I said "let's get a dog" not a drunk human so some rules will be established this evening
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
Yeah. We're taking this fuck buddy relationship to the next level. Sober weekday sex.
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
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