Im at strip club and am horny
how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
You were right. It hurts to walk today.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Apparently I think casual Friday means I can show up unshaven in yesterday's clothes and reeking of booze.
I'm ready for my liver to be the last casualty of 2009
She literally thanked me for asking before I put in her ass
Their wedding is on my 21st birthday. I fail to see a way that this could end poorly.
..and it was like all of a sudden I could hear the sounds my brain was making
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
It’s awful. They need to open the bars. I’m now trolling grocery stores looking for dick
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