i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
got them to do a wheelbarrow of shame down the sidewalk after the threesome. I rule
he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
um, yes. it's my birthday, of course there will be acid.
He walked into my room in the middle of the night, whispered something about the patriot act, and took my tv.
its coolsest when we hear the beat in our water bottles. and the likghts are in his eyes now. oh holland
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
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