1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
he is like the poster child for std's. god i hope he meets a girl with teeth in her vag. that would serve him right
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
What do you wear to apply at a strip club?
Nothing says thanksgiving like acid flashbacks
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
I try not to flex my sex appeal too much around the engineers, it's like feeding bears...always ends in disaster.
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
I promise it wsnt a penis when i put it in my mouth
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