Remember when the only STD we had to worry about were hickies? Those were the days
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
When i say that im working late and also have a paper to write before 9am tomorrow all i want u to respond is saying that ur gunna come over and sexually distract me from my responsibilities. Not a fucking frowny face.
Sorry. Im on my way.
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
He just kept mumbling that he was too drunk for society and then he peed in a bush
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
Would I be crazy if I drove 1,000 miles for some dick? What mile does it become ridiculous?
I know. I know. He'll be weekday dick.
This should be illegal
It is
I mean more illegal... I shouldn't have this
.......do you have the salami in bed? I'm trying to make a sandwich.
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