If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
So Delta doesn't take cash. I used my card to buy a drink and asked the attendant if she could leave it open.
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
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No matter what you may say to me. You will still be the guy that managed to get his own cum in his hair.
until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
We team puked and then made sex like wild monkeys. If that isn't love, I don't know what is.
I pulled some girls weeve trying to pull the stop cord on the bus
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
it's just not right when you're boyfriend has a nicer ass than you do.
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
My dad just saw me take dirty one night stand underwear out of my purse. I'm willing to admit I have a problem
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
Just remember that no one else gets to suck his dick but you, feel honored. It's like the Olympic torch of life is being passed off to you and it's your time to run
I'll probably just end up banging you in your parents marital bed,in their honor of course.
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