she asked if she could keep her bee antennas on during her mugshot. i love halloween.
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
At this point, I really just need a sign in sheet for my vagina.
On monday, while we were having crazy monkey sex, I earned $82. Vacation pay rocks.
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
there COULD be a gas leak in our house... proceeding to smoke with extreme caution...
Dont worry about getting me anything... Just put a bow on your ass.
Deal.
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
He walked around my apt complex completely naked and started peeing in the maintenance because he thought it was the bathroom. So yeah, pretty drunk.
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize