I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
Whenever he makes me dinner its always mini things.. cheeseburgers, corndogs.. is he preparing me for something?
quadriplegic porn is always funny
no. no its not
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
Although I love the reason it was done, can you maybe not show pictures of my dick to all your friends at parties? I like to present my penis in my own special way. thanks
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
ive cried into many a lonely burritos..
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
I walked into her room to find her sitting on the end of her bed with her heads in her hands talking to herself. She kept muttering things like "What? How? No. What? I don't --- How?" $10 says she's pregnant.
I'll see to your $10 and raise you $40.
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
I think a major source of concern would be the fact you snorted a shot. Who does that?
Randomize
