I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
i'm smoking hookah in a kayak. how did this happen.
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
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On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
The bad decision stars are too close to aligning to risk this tonight.
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
i was like his sober eyes girls would come up to us, show us theirs and if approved by me blew him, if rejected they went to my truck with a bottle of patron
Let's not fuck on an air mattress tonight...I'd rather get rug burn.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
I feel like I put a fire out with my hand but idk if that was a dream or not
I woke up next to a Big Mac box.. And had no sheets or clothes on. The night was a success I think.
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
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