So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
Best moment of my life. I just got a text from some random number that said i can't wait to touch you. Her name is kiara and she had the wrong number.
I wish "capable of destroying an innocent girl's life" is something I could put on my resume
I have to think about this realistically and not with my vagina.
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
she has like 12 pairs of underwear people left at her house from the other night
He's doing his thing where I don't know if he's alive until three in the afternoon so idk
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
i swear to god it was like we were fucking in 9 dimensions
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize
