Call meee
Ok, but just to warn you, I'm as drunk as a Kennedy right now...
You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
Tostitos Scoops as shot glasses. Eat for chaser.
our night together was a product of my beer goggles and jennifer aniston-like desperation.
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
I spiked my fruit smoothie. Taking bikini season diet to a whole new level
Just met another girl you fucked but this time in seattle. Your cock gets almost as much mileage as jet blue. Anaheim and seattle both say hi, figured you don't remember their names.
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
I just want to meet whoever runs the hall cameras
hahahaha I don't. Watch one day i'll be walking along and someone will stop me and say "oh you're that one girl who is out. of. control." But then they'd probably give me a high five.
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
He was hammered and shot his pistol into the lawn. Next thing I know sheriffs are at our house with M4s. He likes to party
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
Randomize
