Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
There's just this way he looks at me that makes me want to suck his soul out through his dick.
When she sits down, she uses her fat rolls like an arm rest.
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
he sent me a naked picture of himself. things got awkward really quickly. but on a positive note he shaved his chest
we talked about european history as he fucked me from behind in the shower... i think it was a success
Her pussy was so beautiful. That's what I'LL miss the most. Not the omelets. You're the roommate, obviously our priorities on this situation are vastly different.
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
why does he always try to puke into shot glasses
He can keep it, but if he asks for anything else i'm just going to start pissing on things.
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
What can I say, I just want your vagina in my mouth.
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