woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
i decided not to call her again when she started singing "goodbye my lover" as i was walking out the door..
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
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we didnt even have break up sex...
you had it for us with someone else...
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
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She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
She climbed up the stairs with three brownies in one fist, two in the other, and one in her mouth. Also, she opened the bedroom door with her foot. I may be in love.
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
I think all three of us just need to suck it up and go to lunch with him to keep our bar tab down
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
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