I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
You know you have a problem when the only thing that saves you is that you drank so late into the night that you sleep through the designated walk of shame time window
i asked him how he could stand the smell of skunk. his answer was "it smells like good weed"...
I actually want to hang out with her with our clothes on. That's a big step up for me.
He sent me an email apologizing for sleeping with her...and by that I mean he sent a picture of his dick to my school e-mail
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
I lost all of my bathing suit tops.. This is both a success and a failure
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
I think someone cast a spell on the lazy stoner rich boy stereotype and it came to life and called me.
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
Partying with my eighth grade history teacher I know you're jealous
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Randomize
