Five girls, one freshman pledge. We're like our own Make A Wish Foundation.
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
you think she would figure it out that ever dude that fucks her is just doing it bc they are in a contest to bang the fattest girl
Alosmot hir two of of mt mailanoxwa
Oh Jesus.
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
IF HE CAN'T EVEN MAKE EYE CONTACT IN CLASS, I DOUBT THERE WILL BE OTHER FORMS OF CONTACT ON OUR FIRST NOT-A-DATE DATE
After we were done the second time she turned to me and called me a Hardcore Armadillo. Also, her O face involves crossed eyes. You tell me.
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
whoa whoa whoa, you're saying I shouldn't post pics of you balls deep in a southern hottie?
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
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