I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
there were like 150 questions AFTER the application. you'd think for a store that has dick molding kits it'd be a joke
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
they night at the roxbarryed us. came out of nowhere,bought us shots, and then the big one licked my hand? we got out of that noise.
oh no, don't get me wrong.. she IS really pretty. If you are in to horses or Sarah Jessica Parker.
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
He was puking up tons. He aimed his face inside his coat. Not a drop in my car. Then he thanked me for the ride.
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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