tell your sister to shave her snatch
I seem to have left my pride at pride
they just did a mariachi cover of free bird
that shit musta been laced I laughed for two hours and everyone looked like penguins
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
She stopped laughing and kind of stared at the wall for a while. Then she did 3 somersaults and said she saw jesus. This weed is fucking fantastic.
I make him buy me all the extremely expensive high end Mac cosmetics I desire. Wear it then let him cum on my face. I am fucking glamorous.
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
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