Besides Rainforest Cafe, there's nowhere i'd rather be intoxicated than here
I've been thinking and really it's a miracle I haven't had an STD yet.
So the guy sitting next to me is watching dungeons and dragons on youtube. I didnt realize you could get more pathetic than actually playing the game.
And the cops told us we were all naked.
There are walks of shame and then there are walks of what the hell is wrong with you.
Just saw your girl from last night... Be embarrassed
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
Randomize
