good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
the guy was wearing a viagra shirt, i knew what i got myself into.
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
I am trapped in a bar with french tattooed drug dealers who also blow glass art. Just in case this is bad, know what happened.
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Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
The guy I met last night said we had a real connection and gave me his AA coin because he met me during his relapse
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Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
the sex got boring after the first three hours
holy shit
I think I left my bra and my crocs in your room
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