I just googled the nutrition facts for a mcgriddle and yet I still want to go to mcdonalds
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
My lack of memory is directly related to being friends with you.
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
I told my mom I had sex with him and even SHE was proud. Now that's saying something.
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
I make him buy me all the extremely expensive high end Mac cosmetics I desire. Wear it then let him cum on my face. I am fucking glamorous.
My vagina is officially offended.
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
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