Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
I just saw fred flintstone in my fruity pebbles!
what drugs are you on?
none, cept for the pain medication i got prescribed by the doc: it said 2 pills every 3 hours, but I took 6 cuz i'll be away from home later
Literally just as i started to cum the church bells next ot my house began to ring. either it was the most epic timing ever or god was watching and congratulating me
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
We're pretty much just dating until one of our ex's wants us back
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
It took me half an hour to realize I didnt know them
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
Also, if asking a guy to come over and watch curling with you doesn't scream let's fuck then idk what does
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
I'VE LOST MY DIGNITY, MY PRIDE, AND EVEN MY BOOTY CALL. HAPPY THANKSGIVING.
Sorry I missed your birthday party. I caught a dick and rode it to O-Town
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