They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
my dad is going to jail this weekend
where are we going to get our weed from?
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
I researched the whole pregnancy breast feeding with piercings. I think you dont have to worry about the trifecta milk spraying thing.
Two portable blenders. We are going to be popular and dangerous.
Oh, and my friends believe you should reimburse me for the brazilian that was gone to waste.
the ball fondling will be left out of the trip recanting
deryk tried to steal your screen door and i think sam and brent are duct taping lauren to the diving board.
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
One day when i undoubtedly need an intervention please let it include lightsabers.
I think I can handle that.
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
I don't want to hook up with him sober. That's pretty much like saying I love you.
Randomize
