He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
You missed out on a serious adventure. Cops were called. We put a chicken in someones house.
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
Hospital.
I am invincible.
I kind of feel like BP. I'm dressed in green and absolutely horrible for the environment.
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
I don't remember... but puking on the bar sounds like me.
idk man, i just want to be a bad influence for future generations
It's cool dude. The dank is in the form of premade smores with honey grahm crackers, marshmallow cream and 420 brand choc. bars. NV weed laws have nothing on me.
Where are you and why are you fighting with a bird?
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
I just punched myself in the vagina to prove a point. Please pray for me.
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
Randomize
