I thought she would fill the void you created. Turns out she thought I just wanted to fill hers.
We are brilliant. We call it the pint walk. Killing a pint of vodka while we walk from cleveland park to dupont. just making mama proud
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
I feel awful
Physically or morally
Physically. The only immoral thing I did was steal money from strippers while they gave me lapdances.
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
when we woke up this morning she was missing two teeth. the front two.
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
Soooo you're telling me you support us groom's men giving lap dances to willing patrons?
Randomize
