you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
seriously when did my vagina become a soup kitchen for the poor
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
also, made a drinking game out of my birthday photos....drink everytime alcohol is in a photo. going through all 350 of them.
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
hes fine. but he did fall asleep while tebowing and started snoring
What am I doing? I'm usually only attracted to horrible people.
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
Randomize
