You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
That was a long time ago. She needed the money.
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
That's like lying to my vagina. I can't betray it like that.
I woke up to him peeling the skin on my stomach from my sunburn. If he wasn't so good in bed I'd be a little freaked out.
Apprently after I bit that bouncer, it all went down hill.
If I wasn't stoned and knee deep in cheese and crackers I'd help.
Just remembered when I first started going down on him he goes "ok now I feel a little better about the broncos losing"
Personally, I'm gonna be Sexy Dobby the House Elf.
Which is worse that I came in public or that no one noticed?
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
Pretty sure we had a civil war reenactment in your kitchen at 4am.
That would explain the cannon.
We broke up. My life is now 7 inches less.
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
Well, let me first tell you that jack and cokes were ONE FUCKING DOLLAR.. It's like the club wanted me to make poor choices.
Randomize
