It's like sexual therapy. We hooked up. And now were talking about our recent breakups.
Emoooo
Some girl just asked us for directions back to campus. we told her to take the first four lefts. We live on a block. she believed us
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
She walked out and announced that he was now part of our confused, incestuous, glorious eskimo family. I've never been more proud.
Campus is too small for this to keep happening
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
Literally sucked a dick for ten seconds before I said to myself, this tiny ass penis isn't worth it. My night last night
I mean you're asking high Chelsea. I'd sell myself for a rice crispy
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
He fucked my brains out then fed me cheese and peanut butter. I might be in love.
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
Randomize
