dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
MTV Made just made me cry. Where have all of my life goals gone?
Excused from finishing the term project because my lab partner got arrested. For the second year in a row. Public school, I love you.
He yelled "juice on the loose", yes i am sure i need plan b
Btw, whenever you feel discouraged about your life, think about me being frantically upset bc my mobile porn site limited me to only 5 videos a day
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
I bought a sword. Make the proper arrangements.
You know, I've never slept in a rug with anyone before you
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
You kept asking us from the backseat if you were driving ok and then you kept talking to your hiccups and yelling at them to "stop it already!"
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
i doubt you are even in possession of a crowbar.
I suggest you not find out the hard way
Randomize
