found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
Waking and baking has revolutionized how i brush my teeth. Seriously up to like 25 min everry morn. Highly recommend
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
woke up in the back seat of my car with a naked chick and my brother tapping on the window. yup, what a night
I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
You fell asleep while I was sucking your dick
I don't think you understand I turned down McDonalds for you.
Randomize
