Yea well when i pee it makes steam.
the chair was smiling at me in sociology and i had to try not to burst out laughing.
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
whatever it's my dick and i'll put it wherever i want
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
Only you could walk of shame to a childrens pirate themed birthday party
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
I mean there is a rehab there so its gotta be a good time
I think my penis runs off weed. I haven't smoked it 3 days and I have no sex drive what so ever
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
Randomize
