he said i was weird because i want to have sex in public places.
i dont think thats weird i think thats fun
i forgot to tell you, he fell asleep outside my house again last night, but im weird
I felt like I was in a real life creepy Myspace message. "girl u cute" ... "girl u got a really nice smile"
I think I can smell my own vagina right now
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
it's graduation. he's gonna get congratulations slash emotional i cant believe youre leaving me sex.
He was wearing a tux and a big sombrero so it automatically made the flute he was playing totally cool
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
Good dick will make you do a lot of things… Great dick will make you consider buying a house.
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
Randomize
