guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
After they won there was a guy outside Magee Hospital yelling "name your kid Sidney"... that guy may or may not have been me.
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
I feel like none of my dresses scream slut the way I'd like them to
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
The Ex's are trying to talk to the GF. Game face bro.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
do you want to shower with me?
only if we can drink the jungle juice while we shower
What's dad's email?
askmom@cause.idk
I mean I only got hit in the ass with ONE firework
Current state of being: shivering like a new born kitten on the bathroom floor
I just had a man tell me he was going to think about me when he was fucking his wife tonight. This is my proudest moment as a gay.
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