Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
Yeah I'm pretty sure at one point I was telling her to keep her dick in her pants. She was going to do some serious damage.
If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
Okay, good. And if you have one of those portable strip poles that would be nice too.
I guess wearing a straight up bikini to class is an early indication that Thirsty Thursday has started.
You. Me. Frosting and a bed. Lets do this.
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
I would go disguised as someone he didn't have premature ejaculative sex with but I don't know if I could stay in character.
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
This girl was in the river screaming that someone didn't love her anymore...that's when the guy in a kilt claimed her...
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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