Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
Con: they had to cauterize my wound twice. Pro: The docs agreed I'll be able to get really drunk tonight since I've lost so much blood.
sound pretty economical
so i definitely just saw 2 cops high five each other as they were arresting underage drinkers in 5 points.
This is the prime rib incident all over again
She just took off her shirt and jumped in the kiddie pool. We're not leaving.
it'll be like the batcave but for manwhores
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
This is what happens when you live with someone you met on Grindr
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
My apologies. I'll try not to let my dick interfere with official work duties in the future.
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
Randomize
