Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
I'm shivering and sweating at the same time. Thanks a lot St. Patrick.
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
Was the first guy that bit your neck last night wearing a trenchcoat...I have a vague memory.
I'd go lesbian for $50 and a good phone case.
"Do You Wanna Build a Snowman" came on while I was riding his dick. I had to take a moment.
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
I just shaved my pubes into a heart shape. if that doesn't scream romantic idk what does
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
She was calling him Bob Saget and asking him to buy her shots....how do you think the night went?
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