Had sex with him. My tampon is now in my brain. May need surgery.
the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
just heard some guy walking down the street say "butt sex in the sun"
go get him tiger.
You seriously need to keep doing my sexting for me. I just said something about "riding cock like a dick rodeo"
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
I had to ask him for a dick pic. Do you know how refreshing that was?
Is it too early to start looking for freshmen penises to corrupt with our liquor and yoga pants?
I was just wondering the same thing! Gotta be any day now
Randomize
