dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
$1.99 mimosas n bloodys til 3. Happy hour starts at 4. We're gonna ride the mechanical bull to kill the hour inbetween.
Please take video.
i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
apparently it was the return of drunk burrito sex.
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
Nobody knows who the hobo or dude who whipped out his balls is
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
your blue lips and tongue was their first indication you were probably underage
HEY THERE IS NO AGE LIMIT ON BLUE SLUSHIES
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
Randomize
