For real. Like, if I ever had to choose a last meal, I would just choose to get high and eat whatever was around.
look. either you want to have late night naked sleep overs or you don't. do not involve dinner and extraneous conversations in this relationship.
Damn it if I pass out in the bathroom one more time this month im going to rehab...
It was an 11am booty call. We were both out of our element.
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If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
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My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze