I can text with my tongue
I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
I could give you a full detailed description of 75% of the penises in that room
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
its family weekend so i'm givin my little bro a tour of everywhere ive thrown up on campus
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
So wise, so handsome, so good at oral sex.
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
I got snowed in at my parent's. everyone's asleep so I'm smoking a joint in my old room and watching Tarzan on a 12" tv.
They must be so glad to have you home...
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
My Boss was giving porn recommendations. I think I'm scarred for life.
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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